The Cost of Quiet - by Colette Jane Fehr Hardcover

Book Synopsis

An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship--disconnection, disengagement, and divorce--and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most.

"I wish I had spoken up sooner."

People think relationships fail because of deal breakers like infidelity, finances, or parenting problems. But the real culprit is often much less dramatic: emotional disconnection after years of staying silent and avoiding conflict. We're afraid to say what we need because we worry about what will come next.

Avoidant behavior--the need to "keep the peace" rather than dealing with conflict head on--isn't our fault. Our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But silence is a losing proposition in the long term, leading us to self-abandon and essentially "quiet quit" our relationships.

We can make another choice. In The Cost of Quiet, licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Jane Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and how to overcome it. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she's used to repair the bond between hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach those we love with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate goal: a securely attached relationship that engages with conflict productively, and the confidence that comes from speaking up and being heard--because a good relationship is worth fighting for.

Review Quotes

"This book is a must-read for anyone who has ever silenced themselves to keep the peace. Colette Fehr offers a liberating path forward--one rooted in honesty, connection, and the courage to speak up." --Jessica Baum, LMHC, author of Anxiously Attached and Safe: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building Secure Relationships

"In The Cost of Quiet, Colette Jane Fehr shines a compassionate light on the hidden toll of avoiding tough conversations. With clarity and heart, she shows that 'conflict' isn't a dirty word and that speaking up with love can deepen connection, foster understanding and even save a marriage. If you want more harmony and happiness in your relationships, this book is a must-read." --Marci Shimoff, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Happy for No Reason and Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul

"What if the very conversations you've been avoiding are the key to deeper, stronger relationships? In The Cost of Quiet, Colette Jane Fehr reveals why conflict, when faced with courage, can be the greatest act of love. This book will change how you connect forever."
--Marie Forleo, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Everything Is Figureoutable

"The Cost of Quiet will give you the courage and clarity you need to finally start speaking up and showing up as your most authentic self. Colette's brilliant work is the medicine our world has been waiting for, helping countless people discover their power to keep it real and true. In doing so, she reveals the highest and best that love has to offer." --Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times bestselling author of What's True About You: 7 Steps to Move Beyond Your Painful Past and Manifest Your Brightest Future

"The book's central insight is revolutionary yet simple: staying quiet to 'keep the peace' actually creates the very disconnection we're trying to prevent. The Cost of Quiet offers hope that it's never too late to transform both your relationship with yourself and others through the power of truthful, loving communication. This is not just a book; it's a transformative journey toward personal liberation." --Dr. Nadine Macaluso, author of Run Like Hell: A Therapist's Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds

"Once in a while a book comes along that is so useful and to-the-point that one can only say: Get it now and put it to work for you. In The Cost of Quiet, Collete Jane Fehr correctly identifies a fundamental relationship problem: silence in the name of peace is the slayer of intimacy. Her wisdom and compassion come through on every page, making the book illuminating to the mind and stirring to the heart." --Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap

"It's normal to fear conflict and want to avoid it at all costs. But staying silent when things get tough destroys relationships. Here's the good news: you can learn to have the hard conversations with your partner that will actually save your marriage. The Cost of Quiet shows you how to speak up in your relationship--and why you must." --George Faller, MS, LMFT, author of True Connection

"The Cost of Quiet makes a persuasive case for sharing our deepest vulnerabilities in our relationships--rather than reflexively shutting down or lashing out. Fehr leads the reader through the steps of identifying their own triggers, making sense of and taking responsibility for them, and communicating them in ways that can reach and move their partner."
--Darcy Lockman, author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership

About the Author

Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples' therapy. She also co-hosts the podcasts Insights from the Couch and Love Thy Neighbor, and her 2025 TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was a TED editors pick. She lives in Orlando, Florida, with her husband.